As much as we try to convince ourselves that it is possible to live in a conflict-free world, there is not one shred of evidence to support this idea. Conflict is inevitable, a fact of life. But we have many choices about how to respond to the conflict. We can ignore the conflict, confront it head on, attack the person on the other side of the table, work to resolve it or wait it out, to name just a few. Most people would agree that working it out is the most appropriate response, but the mechanics of working toward resolution are often unknown to us.

How we handle conflict determines whether it is productive or non-productive. Productive conflict encourages us to solve the problem at hand and maintain or improve our relationship with others in the process. In addition, productive conflict may also lead to solutions that give us much more than we initially thought we could have. In the common negotiation parlance, productive conflict may end up "expanding the pie" rather than dividing it, and when that happens, satisfaction about the outcome far outweighs the initial tensions about the conflict.

It is important to keep in mind that not all conflicts can be resolved, such as some deeply-rooted values conflicts for example. In these situations, people have to learn to live with the tension and manage the differences. Oftentimes, these situations need legislative remedies. But beyond the areas where ADR is not likely to be effective, there are many situations where it can work.

Good communication is a concept that is critical to the success of any conflict resolution endeavor, particularly when tensions are high. Too many people focus on the skills related to debate and assertiveness. However, the communication skill that is most important to any ADR process, as well as the one most overlooked, is listening. Listening allows us to gather more information about another's point of view, and helps demonstrate that he or she has been heard. Understanding the other side's point of view is more important to arriving at a successful outcome than arguing one's own point of view.